Blog

1/09/2024

Wrote a poem for the first time in three years.

29/08/2024

The summer is coming to an end. Everything will go back to being the way it was three months ago, even if I am not the same person I was when I left. Have you ever had to confront the reality that you are not who you thought you were? But this life I've built in this foreign place is quite comfortable. Working 9-5, no expectations of nothing outside those hours. Having no friends, so everyone can be a friend. I am now realizing that in two days, I will have been a vegetarian for two years. I can't remember what the last non-vegetarian meal I had was. Did I try to make it special? I didn't record it anywhere, so maybe I didn't do anything special at all, or maybe I thought that it would be so memorable that there was no point in recording it at all. I have a tendency to do that: thinking that of course I will remember, how could I forget? then forgetting. Still, I haven't written anything in my diary for the past three months. So in a few years, all of this that I think has altered my very essence, will be covered in a thick fog, and all that will be left of it will be its consequences.

Writing on writing (14/08/2024)

I was browsing through my archives (Google docs) when I found (the beginning of) a script for a short film I wrote last year. I thought I had left it as merely a sketch, a short blob of text describing the argument, but turns out it's a couple of pages long. When I first abandoned it, I remember looking at it and being severely unimpressed with my writing. But now, months of creative drought later,* I feel it is pretty good. Maybe even "finish it and try to follow my film directing dreams" kind of good.

I was going to lie and say that I used to write a lot. But it isn't true and it never has been. (And if I continue at this rate, it will never be true). In my head, a couple of poems when I was a teenager and a few submissions to high school writing contests are enough of a qualification to, when people ask me about my hobbies, embarrassed about my lack of anything outside "media consumption"**, say "Oh, and I used to write a lot when I was younger".

However, do I really care that I don't write regularly and that I haven't produced any finished piece in the past three years? Not reeeeeaaaaallyyyyy. I guess I only still care a little bit because I have, at some point in my life, made "writer" or "artist" a small part of my identity. But a writer needs to write to be a writer. So everytime I'm not writing, my brain says to me: "You are a fraud". And he's*** right. However, it is such a small voice, that it will never be enough to push me into action.

Yesterday I was watching a Youtube video on how to create a reading habit, and the guy in the video said that we shouldn't care about not doing the things we don't really care about. That's pretty good, right? So I don't care about not writing and I don't care about not eating enough fruit and I don't care that I'm a terrible driver and I don't care that it takes ages for me to answer a text message. And as such, no corrective action will be taken.

Anyways, I was never going to be a real writer. Writing for me has only ever happened in one of two instances:

1. I have an assignment. Some of my most decent stories or poems have been conjured out of thin air one afternoon before the due date, writing without any thought or personal attachment to what I'm saying.
2. Suddenly it (what's it, I don't know) came to me and I had to write it down.

None of that "writer's routine- writing is a job- you can't rely on inspiration” thing that successful writers swear by (maybe that's why they are successful writers and I'm not). If I ever try and consciously write a poem, it is so horribly, painfully soulless that it usually keeps me from trying again for a good while. The problem with my approach to writing is that, a) ever since I left school, there are no (creative writing) assignments that force me to sit down and try; and b) whatever it was that used to come down and strike me with an impetus to write seems to have retreated back to where it initially came from.

However, this script, this script was different. It arose from three very clear sources:

• A rather unpleasant experience I had with men on the underground one January evening.
• The belief that I am this huge pervert and everyone else is normal (or more normal).
• Watching Irma Vep, O Fantasma, Crash.

It was a conscious act, sitting down to write. It happened over the course of a few days. I made an outline and everything. It was going so well. Then I stopped. Why? I don't remember. Maybe because I thought it sucked (which I did). Maybe because I realized it was a bit too inspired by O Fantasma (I don't think so now, but if Joao Pedro Rodrigues ever reads this, please don’t sue me I love you). Maybe I just had better things to do. What I know is that I don't care: I will finish it if I feel like it, I most likely will not. Time can not be wasted, only spent.

*Although it's unfair to speak of a creative drought if you haven't even made an effort to create something.

**I hate this term. Enjoying art is not a crime. The act of creating can be so much less fulfilling at times lol, (and much more fulfilling at other times, but I wouldn't know).

***Why's my brain a he? Because of Spanish, that's why.

Some thoughts on men & women (22/10/2023)

Something I'd like to hear other people's opinion on: I tend to believe that most of the gendered conventions society still upholds are based simply on tradition, sexism, the old division of labor etc etc. I mean mostly in regards to heterosexual romantic and sexual relationships. Like, the whole boyfriend as your protector/ guy who pays for your meals/ drives you around/ is taller than you. I think we do all of that simply because it's what we've always done. However, upon talking to a few men my age (which is to say, young), they tend to think that there is mainly a biological component to it, and that women are hardwired to want a provider and it's the natural predisposition in a man to act as such. Some go further and think that when a man fails to do so, he becomes profoundly depressed not because he has failed society's expectations of him but because it is in his DNA. Anyways, to me this is kind of upsetting because a) there really is a mental health crisis in men ( and everyone else tbh) which I think is being upheld by this kind of beliefs and b) I imagine a future for the world in which men and women are truly equal, which is impossible if people think that the current situation is an immutable biological reality. The thing is, I know nothing of sociology, or anthropology or whichever social science applies in this case, so my opinion is as based on nothing as theirs is. Basically what I'm saying is that I hope I'm right.

Warning! Next paragraph is basically a rant about straight relationships and sex, basically me oversharing on the Internet, so proceed as you wish

One of the things I like most about being in homosexual relationships is that it is much easier to break away from gendered expectations and be with someone who really thinks of you as their equal. I dislike the implicit power imbalance when having sex with someone from the opposite sex. I don't like how the roles are defined from the beginning, almost no room for surprise, especially in casual encounters. Like he will do x things and I will do y things and we will do z things to each other. I find the canon in straight relationships boring and restraining. I want to have sex with men the way I have sex with women. I HATE when I'm seeing a dude my age and he acts like he is slightly older, more experienced and more intelligent than I am just by virtue of being a man. I also hate that when I'm with a man, I tend to fall into the trap of acting like I am younger, less experienced and more naive than I really am. Are we all just acting? Or are people like that? Do men feel like they have to put that somewhat condescending act on to appeal to women, the way I feel myself slipping into a virginal seventeen year old every time I'm dating a guy? I always start normal, and with time I become a more and more cartoonish depiction of myself in hopes that he will stay with me. Which is dumber even when there is nothing to stay for. So maybe my male friends are right and there is something biological which I can't help. Or maybe it's still just all social conditioning. I just want to feel like an adult when I'm having sex that's all. I don't want to be babied and I want to pay for your dinner.

(19-06-2023 Before I start ranting about my life, here are some cool cool things:

• This glass block lamp. I love glass blocks. The Renzo Piano glass block building lives in my mind rent free. Ugh and this lamp is so cool. If you have 150$ to spend on a lamp (which I don't).
• The 2023 Summer Microchapbook series by Ghost City Press. Every day, a new great poetry chapbook by a different poet for FREE* (you can of course also pay for it if you want to financially support the poet). Some of my favourite poems have come from these chapbooks. Check it out!
• Xenitia by Etienne Audrey Bruce, published through Zone6Press. Xenitia is a recently published photobook with images depicting the complex movement of people in and out of Greece, immigration into a country where people emigrate out of.

(Now back to me)

Seems like time is slipping by faster and faster. This (academic, as this is how I measure time) year has flown by without leaving much of an impact on me. It feels like nothing happened, only lost time. Like everything was building up to a big event which never did exist. I made no new friends and lost no old friends. I didn't go anywhere new. I almost didn't go anywhere at all. I stopped running completely a bit after the last post. Got too caught up in my studies. It was strange; I had been running every day since I was ten or eleven. Hard hard training . At first, it felt like I had more time. But then that time got filled up with studies and I went back to feeling like I had no time. The thing about running is that I love it. But I stopped easily. Most days I wasn't aching to go for a run. A habit built for a decade can just be gone. All the careful engineering of muscles and ligaments, the tweaking of movement, the fullness of breath, all of that is lost.

As much as I love running I also love not running. My body didn't hurt for months, I was much less tired and I could finally decide what to do on Saturday afternoons. My grades got better, too. (Probably from all of that studying and staying at home I'd been doing). However, the instinct to run is too strong and now that I'm done with university I have gone back to training. By myself, just running for as long as I can. I know this isn't real training but I've got to start somewhere. The first day was hell. The other days have been hell as well but mainly a mental hell. Fighting the little voice in your head that tells you to stop is much more difficult when every single part of your body is sore. I miss training with people but I'm terrified of seeing my coach after I bailed on the team mid-season. It's one of those things that the longer you push back the worse it becomes.

Anyways that's it on running. I really believe running is one of those primal monkey brain things.

(also I have added an entry that I wrote back in October but that I never posted because I was too lazy to add the HTML)

(also after a long long long time I finally have my drivers license so now I am a TRU ROAD DANGER)

(23-10-2022)Things have been turning slow around here. I like coming home late from university, everything dark and rainy, cold air, the train station empty except for me and a friend, maybe.The warm artificial lights, outside pitch black, falling into a kind of stupor and then wondering if I have missed my stop. Then the voice announces my stop. The sigh of relief, but the disappointment of the missed adventure. Then again outside in the cold,in my Tshirt, with the other commuters waiting to cross the road, the working people, the few other students.

I feel like there is so much of the year which is winter. October feels cold and then it is cold until March, at least, or April. It rains a lot. And I feel so sleepy. I wake up sleepy in the dark and I get out of class sleepy in the dark. I study a lot and cherish the little rays of sun coming through my window when it happens. That is half of it. I am also outside a lot, in the freezing freezing cold running around wondering why the fuck i am doing this and my lungs hurt so bad, but this is what I love.

(25-09-2022) I'm back hehehehe. I was away for a long time, backpacking,living my best life, then I came back home and was sad for quite some time. Didn't feel like writing here or even watching movies, just wanted to go back outside into the world. University started again and I was miserable for the first week or so, I wanted to drop out and take a job at the local cinema, but I chickened out. Then everything started to get a bit better and I got happier. Running a lot and very fast. Random encounters with people I hadn't seen in a long time. Reading in the train with warm light coming through the window. I'm still full of uncertainty but I feel good.

I finished my first journal ever, all those self-improvement youtubers are right. self-reflection is good. Dropped instagram for tumblr. So lots of poetry and gay pics and theory. My birthday is coming up and I bought a piston converter for my Muji fountain pen and two Diamine inks. I love ink. I could buy every single bottle of ink in existence. But I also like to not buy stuff. So that will be all for a while. Also I made a button for the site which you can add to your page if you want (no pressure).

(06-07-2022) I finished my exams. I finished my fucking exams. I am the happiest person in the world. Free from this prison of my own choosing for a good two months. thank the lord for this. i really, really am glad this is over. feels like breathing for the first time in ten months. i did it. i did it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

for the past four days i have been away on vacation in the wonderful city of PORTO,portugal, where i have done all sorts of touristy things such as eating at centric, overpriced restaurants and going on guided tours where one stands in the middle of the road looking up in awe at some church or statue. I was so lucky as to run into the Porto Open House, a two day event which lets you into some of the city's most famous buildings, complete with free guided tours and talks by people in the architecture business. I visited the Piscina dos Marés, a filtered seawater swimming pool located amongst the rocks right by the ocean in Matosinhos. Created in the sixties by architect Álvaro Siza, it consists of two pools, and a small building which hosts the changing rooms and a bar. Built in concrete and dark pine wood, the whole structure sits a few metres below the promenade, becoming perfectly integrated with the environment (so much so, that I wasn't able to see it from afar, and only noticed it when I was almost at the door).

My visit was right at sunset, so I was able to catch some beautiful light. At the time it was closed, but you can go for a swim there every day during the summer months from 9:00 to 19:00. Definitely a place to check out if you ever visit Porto.

(Open House is a worldwide initiative, so there might be one in your city too!https://www.openhouseworldwide.org/)

Some other highlights from my stay in Porto:

• Found a pizza place called Mino's (A+ pizza)
• There was an abandoned crane which I could see from my hotel room.Cool vibes.
• Eating typical dish francesinha for my first meal in Portuguese soil, and finding it terrible. Finished it up out of politeness. After learning how much the portuguese hated the french, it all makes quite a lot more sense.

(29-06-2022) Today I watched Vestida de azul, "Dressed in Blue", a 1983 documentary by Antonio Gimenez-Rico depicting the lifes of six trans women in post-Franco Spain. During the regime, trans women and homosexuals were prosecuted under the "Ley de Vagos y Maleantes", which sometimes meant internment in forced labour camps. After Franco's death, the law remained, although it wasn't used. However, as most trans women were sex workers, they still faced heavy police repression.

This documentary talks about this, but also about childhood in a small town, being one of loads of children, about finding love, about hormones and surgery, about family and found family, about money and buying your own apartment, about being women or being "maricas". Speaking in first person, these ladies are given the opportunity to tell their life story. Each of them has a distinct voice, a distinct way to face circumstances.

The documentary feels very tender at parts, but there are also fun moments, and moments of anger. It was a beautiful watch depicting a part of LGBT history that shouldn't go unnoticed by younger generations.

(28-06-2022) Yesterday I found out about the coolest thing ever: oscilloscope music. Oscilloscopes display electrical signals as lines in a screen. Those electrical signals are produced by sensors that detect other stuff, such as sound,heat, or light. Oscilloscopes are usually employed to test other electrical tools, and they look pretty cool on their own. However, some very creative people have figured that you can create sound in a way so that it produces specific images when connected to an oscilloscope. There seems to be no limit to what can be displayed in the two-color oscilloscope screen, including 3D cubes, rotating Death Stars, monumental robots and ondulating mushrooms. It’s not all about the pictures, though, as the sounds are pure electronic, spasmodic-dancing-under-strobe-lights madness. Put it together and you’ve got quite the esperience. C.Allen and Jerobeam Fenderson are two notable musicians/tech guys creating oscilloscope music, and I fervently recommend you to check out their work.

(26-06-2022) Hello! Finally got around to creating the blog page. There won't be much activity now, as my life has turned into a boring grey sludge, but it felt right to have a blog in a personal webpage. I have also created a "watchlog" in the Movies section to log everything I watch, plus I'm working on the rest of the Bond reviews. I want to change the main page, but I don't know what to put there and my coding abilities are very much limited. Everytime I want to do something I'm like "how to place two images side by side with css" and "how to create a show more button" and "how to create a navigation bar".(w3schools my lord and saviour) I also wanted to add a guestbook, but the page I was using is giving me errors :/

I plan on adding a changelog, someday, and also a proper link page when I figure out what to do with the home page, and maybe something about what I'm reading. No about page though.